Klimt 1918 – Undressed Momento 2003 – 0%

This band reminds me of the gay/majority side of dredg without the fun progressive edge. Uselessly melodic, with simple riffs and melodies that you’d expect from your modern mainstream crap. Gothic Metal? Blow me! HOLY SHIT! THIS IS SO AWESOME. THEY THREW IN DOUBLE BASS! HOW METAL!! Yeah fucking right. Double bass alone doesn’t make a metal band, and if that’s not completely obvious to you, don’t even read my fucking review. Seriously.

The guitars are clean pretty much the entire time, giving off that “melancholic” vibe the band is going for (I guess). When they do flip the distortion switch, it’s simply no heavier. I don’t think I’ve ever come across a band that fails to gain an edge when they go from clean to distorted. Everything here is lame, pussyfooting around, and incredibly bland. To their credit, they’ve managed to create an absolute milestone in homosexuality. I’m not very versed in the work of gothic band The Cult, but those are the douche bags I imagine behind the instruments when I hear this. On Parade of Adolescence, they throw in some fake orchestral elements, which do nothing but add to the rather pussified environment the music emits.

We Don’t Need No Music is a song that pisses me off more than normal. First of all, that incredibly trendy bad grammar thing is getting really fucking old. Secondly, if you’re going to rip off someone’s bass playing, don’t pick the guy from Faith No More. This song has nearly the exact same bass intro as Epic. Throughout the album, they manage to rip off many other gay bands as well. Yep, they’re all here, with U2, Faith No More, and dredg being the biggest offenders.

List of things this album out-gays:

-All of the aforementioned bands up above.

-Richard Simmons licking peanut butter from your dog’s crotch.

-It manages to set a new benchmark for Italians, which was previously thought to be impossible due to the existence of Lacuna Coil.

-Clay Aiken

-Deathcore

At times, this release APPROACHES (I’m sure you know what that word means, but look it up again as to make my point stand out even more) metalcore. The use of rather swift double-bass behind those sugary guitars simply leaves a horrible taste in anyone’s mouth. Their creativity really (no, not really) shows when they make use of the “DUH DEH DUH DUH……DUH DEH DUH DUH….” type riffstyle that is found so often in modern music these days. And you can find that shit in EVERY song. I could see the vocalist in a Power Metal band, but I guarantee you that would be gay as well. One pitfall the band doesn’t manage to fall into is the horrible “harsh” vocal trends of modern times. That earns this piece of shit a point, but the fact I had to listen to the whole thing takes that point right back away. The use of pitch-shifted vocals are of course, horrible as any sensible person would expect.

All of the songs are painfully overlong, sans the intro. The intro is at least void of their musical uncreativity.

Listening to this album is the equivilent of getting shot in the eye with semen, as in it should only be experienced by women and homosexual men.

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